Community

This post is more of a rant than a well-constructed thought. I apologize in advance if it's a bit scattered. Sometimes my brain works like that. I also apologize for the language, but not enough that I'm taking it off.

Also, I know the end is rather depressing, but that's just where I'm at. I don't have a catchy one-liner to close. I just hope that maybe it will speak to some of you, and at the very least get you thinking.



I’m sick of church (not just my church, either). I’m tired of pretending, and it seems like every Sunday I go it’s harder to pretend. But I’m too scared to fall apart, because I know what happens when people see someone fall apart – nothing. Nothing at all. I could be at the front crying my heart out, and people would just sit there, for the most part. (And if I'm being honest, it feels weird when people offer to pray for me in those times.) Then after my emotional breakdown is over, I talk to people like it never happened. Like my heart isn’t broken. Like I’m not crying inside. And it would be weird if I did talk about it.
It feels so one-sided. I feel like one of the few people at church that actually would let myself fall apart (though not too much). But isn’t that what the church is for? Broken people? So why do we pretend? Why do I pretend?
Because I’m scared. I’m scared of the reaction I know I’ll get – silence. Or when people ask, what do you say? “My life’s falling apart”? “I want to die but no I’m not suicidal”?
Someone asked me today if I was okay. I said yes. But inside I was like, “No, I’m not and I want to tell you everything that’s on my heart and why life is too hard” – but she was on her way out the door and I was halfway through another conversation – so what do you do? What do you say?
On the flipside, how do I talk to other people who are letting themselves fall apart in church? It’s almost like people assume that’s just how certain people ‘worship’ or something. Do other people even recognize their own brokenness? Are they too scared to show it? And how can we cultivate that honesty?
Maybe it’s starts with God. Maybe it starts with us being honest with God. When we let ourselves fall apart in his presence, maybe gradually we learn its okay to fall apart with other people, and let them hold us up.
But…will they hold us up? What if they don’t?
Sometimes I don’t feel like I am supported. Sometimes I feel like I put my whole heart on display in a worship service, and then – nothing. Is anyone else inspired? Is anyone else desperately in need of prayer?
Sometimes I wonder if I look like as much of an idiot as I feel. Do people ever look at me and be glad they aren’t me? Or do they think I’m putting on a show? Do they ignore me completely because they don’t want to look at their own brokenness? Or because it’s weird? (When did it become weird to express ourselves honestly?)
I know other people are just as broken as I am – but it doesn’t seem that way. God, lift my eyes from my own mess enough to recognize and acknowledge the struggles of others. To carry them the way I want to be carried.
Why do I feel like I suffer alone? I’m not the only one who cries every second day, am I? Surely other people are so overwhelmed by life's struggles that they just check out and watch tv, or endlessly scroll through facebook posts (which have already been read twice). But what is there to be done?
Often during those times when I feel most upset, I think, I should call someone. Or text someone. Or something. But then I think – what’s the point? Tomorrow will come, and I’ll be crying again. By myself. I’ll still be in this on my own.
We talk about doing life together. As small groups, “We want to do life together.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? I see them twice a week for a few hours. That’s about two percent of my life. And even if I go out with someone different every night of the week, that’s still not even half.
So I’m being unrealistic, because how are you supposed to literally do life with people 24/7? I swear if I knew the answer I’d proclaim it to the world.
But what is church supposed to be? Refreshing? I get more refreshment being alone with God. “To be in community” – what? for two hours a week? when I sing songs with other people and hear a sermon? (as much as I love those). The only community I get on Sunday morning – real community – is when I get to hear what’s on someone’s heart or when I get to share what’s on mine. For ten minutes. And then we say goodbye and head back to normal life. Where you live and walk alone.
I know, I need a family. Shit, don’t we all? But it doesn’t help much to say things like that unless arranged marriages are making a comeback.
I’m lonely. I’m broken. I need more of God. I need more community.
But how?
Maybe I should just give up and wait till heaven. Then everything will be perfect. Just cry my way through life, put on my happy face when I need to, and try and do what God asks me to as best I can, and hope there are joy spots on the way.

Wow Satan’s done a pretty good job of keeping the church isolated from one another. What are we going to do about it? What am I going to do about it?
Nothing.
Just going to let the thief keep stealing. Keep taking. Because why bother? Nothing’s going to change. This is the way it is. May as well plod through life and hope Jesus comes soon.