Faithful

There was a day, not too many years ago, where I felt that a life of fear was inevitable, and there was no way out. I had this mental picture of myself as a thirty-year-old, lying in bed, afraid of the dark. I remember how hard I cried after I had this image. Since I had lived in fear for so long, it seemed it would never go away. 
I vividly remember the day it started. Eight years old and fascinated by a TV show on exorcisms, I continued to watch long after my brothers left, inexplicably drawn to it. When it ended, I was so terrified I couldn’t even think, and though I tried to read my Bible, the words were dead to me. I lay awake that night, staring up into the darkness, unable to think of anything else but what I had seen.
What was it that scared me? I knew demons were real, just as I knew God was real – there wasn’t a doubt in my mind. And according to what I had seen in the show, being a Christian wasn’t protection from becoming possessed. I was petrified that they would come to get me, and the thought haunting me for nearly ten years.
Through it all, I never told a single person, having believed that if I didn’t tell say out loud what I was afraid of, they wouldn’t know I was scared and come after me. As I grew into my teens, I thought it was a childish fear and that I should get over it already. 
Somewhere I was wise enough to know that only God could keep me safe. I cried out to him many, many times as I lay awake in terror, screaming so loud in my mind that it almost seemed audible. I devoured Scripture; I listened to worship music on my iPod; and I sought God as hard as I knew how. I didn’t know that he was always there, holding me closely, jealously; I didn’t know that he would never let any power take me from him his hands. Sometimes I heard him speak to me, and a peace I hardly knew filled my spirit.
God graciously held my hand all those years; he protected me when I didn’t know it; he was so faithfully there, even when I couldn’t hear.

When I was seventeen, the Lord spoke to me through a stranger at a conference. I will never forget the words: “God has already set you free from your fear, and now you’re just holding on to it.” In my blessed innocence, I took him at his word and decided that if that was the case, I was simply going to let go of it and never take it up again. So I did. And whenever it would come up again, I would tell myself I couldn’t be afraid because I left fear at a random church in nowheresville, Ontario, and I was never going back there. 

Graciously, the Lord allowed me to be in denial of the demonic for several years, as I didn’t know what else to do with it. Perhaps he knew I needed time to heal before confronting it again – which I did, in an encounter where (after we had prayed and it left) I discovered my roommate had been possessed. I was so thrown off by it I didn’t know what to do, so again, I left it with God. 

And gently, ever so gently, he has led me to a place where fear is so far behind that it doesn’t seem real any more. He has led me to a place of triumph where I am now able to release others from demonic oppression through my prayers. And there isn’t a shred of fear in my heart! (Isn't God amazing?!?) I know who my Father is, and I know I’m his daughter. The weapons formed against me have not prevailed, and I now use those very weapons against what used to scare me. I live in peace; I fight for love; and I know that I have the victory through Jesus (and did I mention I'm only twenty-two?)

May you be encouraged, dear friends. Know that in whatever you walk through, there is victory; there is a light on the other side - I've seen it. Cling to the promises he has given, and know that you are not alone. No matter how deep our darkness, he is deeper still; and even if we are faithless, he remains faithful - for he cannot disown himself. 




You no longer have to live as a slave because you are a child of God. - Galatians 4:7