For those who don’t know, I’ve been a student for two
years at Gateway School of Supernatural (GSS) in Leduc, Alberta. Sounds super weird and I agree with
you. Nonetheless, I can’t imagine where I would be had I chosen not to go to
this school: it’s definitely one of the best things I’ve ever done. This post is much longer than my usual, but I promise it's worth it.
When I started GSS, I had just come out of a season of
letting all my dreams die. It was the worst experience of my life and lasted
about 8 months in total. My heart felt torn and broken, and I felt resigned to
a life of disappointment and hope deferred. It was really a miracle I even went:
my first response when I heard of GSS was, “That sounds super weird,” and my
second was, “There’s no way I’m doing that.”
Part of the reason I was so adamant in saying that was
because in my heart I knew that I was going to do exactly that and didn’t want
to at all. I was so sure that this was where the Lord wanted me: if there was
even a small area of doubt I would have used it as an excuse to get out of it. I
remembered back to when I was wishing God would tell me what we were doing
next, regretting that I had ever asked at all. I knew he wanted me to walk in
the supernatural, in prophecy, spiritual warfare and intercession, but because
of negative experiences and lack of understanding I avoided those things like
the plague. They were too weird and too out there, too flaky and ungrounded.
The month or so before GSS I finally had peace about it
and decided I was excited for it, but the first day in I fully panicked again –
there was no way I was ever going to make it through. I spent a lot of time
trying to convince the Lord I had better ideas than he did.
Over the next few months, I found myself oscillating
between feeling overwhelmed and absolutely loving it. The teaching was not at
all what I expected – I thought it would be wishy washy fluffy stuff, but
instead there was deep biblical truth that I couldn’t deny. It made me
uncomfortable and challenged the way I thought. I’d often prided myself on how
well I knew the Word, but suddenly realized how much of what I knew was
verbatim information that didn’t stand up to scrutiny. Passages I had
completely skimmed over because I didn’t understand them challenged me to
rethink my perspective entirely.
The best way to describe those first few months was that
it felt like going from a warm kid pool where everything is familiar and
comfortable to being shoved off the deep end into shockingly cold water. The
initial feeling is just straight panic and confusion as you feel like you’re
going to drown – and then, suddenly, you find that someone is holding you up
and you can actually swim, though you didn’t know it.
All the theology I had felt like it was completely thrown
out and I was going to go straight down the path to who knows what. But instead
of sinking as I expected, I found that God himself met me there, challenging me
to put my trust in his arm holding me up and not in my carefully constructed
theology. Over and over he said to me, “You don’t have to figure it all out.
I’m here. I’m holding you, and this is going to be okay. I promise.”
As time progressed I started to love those moments when
something would completely blow my mind. Rather than needing to figure it out,
I found myself enjoying the wonder of what God was revealing to me and allowing
it to lead me to worship. I found that I loved discovering new things – there
was always something new God wanted to teach me, and it became an exciting
adventure rather than a foundational overhaul. I suppose that is the difference
– when we are grounded in who God is, our theology changes as we grow because
we trust his nature; but when we are grounded in our mindsets, anything that
comes against it will make us defensive and ultimately destroy us - we never will know it all, and even the things
we think we know are often false.
The teaching was only a part of what effected
transformation. In the beginning when I disagreed with so much of what was
taught, I had only to look at the lives of my leaders to cast doubt on my
beliefs. I remember thinking to myself that if these were the things they
believed, and that was what their lives looked like as a result, then there
must be something to it. I think I can honestly say that I have never seen a
group of people so loving, so honest, and so honouring to one another, carrying
the peace and the joy of the Lord wherever they went. Of course they have
struggles and failures – but that’s the beautiful thing! If their lives look
the way they do in spite of those things, it means my life could look like that
too. I’ve never been so inspired to reach for the deeper things of God, to
stick to the process he has me in and trust his timing, and to fight through
everything I’m facing – because whatever the cost, it’s worth it. Because these
people were a huge part of my journey, I’m going to bore you all with the
things I love about each of them.
The second week of GSS, Landen came up to me and gave me
one of his famous hugs, telling me he was so proud of me. I didn’t understand
why anyone would be proud of me, let alone someone who saw me like three times
in my life and barely knew me, so I asked him why. I’ve never been so taken
aback by an answer: “Because you love Jesus.” I’d heard people thank me for
dancing, for doing kids ministry, for serving – and though that wasn’t wrong, it
made me feel like I should just do those things more. Conversely, this made me feel like I should just love Jesus more! And really, that’s what it
does come down to. I can’t count the times I have asked Landen a question and
been surprised by the depth of his answer. Where I’ve often received pat
answers or shrugs of “Does it really matter?” I’ve instead found myself wiser
and challenged in an area I didn’t expect.
My favourite thing about Josh is how he’s constantly in a
place of letting his mind be blown by revelation of the gospel and who Jesus is.
We as students often joke about his “drunk face” – where he’s just enjoying the
goodness of the Lord and worshipping him. He’s always such a safe place to ask
questions and explore who God is in Scripture and in life. Especially when our
team went to Mexico, I always felt protected and encouraged around him – he’s
like a greenhouse for your soul.
Stephane...one of my favourite things about this guy is
how he draws out the sarcasm in you. He also loves playing the devil’s advocate
and challenging what people believe, not at all taken aback by how anyone may
respond. And yet, he’s so gracious and caring - there’s a depth to him where if
I was ever struggling through something, he was so supportive and guided me
through with wisdom and perception, treating my heart like it’s the most
precious thing. He’s a constant rock when it comes to those things.
I used to hate when Kayle would speak at GSS. The
experiences he’s had are like nothing I had ever heard before, and there were too
many to just brush them off – besides the fact that he himself is so honest and
sincere. That guy has seen so much of both the pain and the glory of a life
totally sold for Christ. I never knew what to do with it initially; it
constantly threw all my thoughts into mayhem, because it didn’t fit into my
carefully constructed worldview. And yet, it drew me. There was something so enticing
about it, hearing there was so much more available to me in Christ than I had
ever dreamed of. On the one hand it was terrifying; on the other I knew I
wanted it. I love to hear Kayle’s stories of what God has done, because they’re
the story of a man who simply said Yes to God, through whom God works crazy
things – and it means I can have that too. It isn’t something I could ever work
myself up to; it’s simple obedience to what God asks in a moment. My heart always
burns longingly hearing these stories, even if I’ve heard them before. One of
my favourite lines from a dream he had is when someone asked him, “Tell us how
the revival started, for the world is on fire.” I want so much to be one of
those through whom God sets the world on fire.
Throughout GSS, my system of thinking went through a
major overhaul. I learned that my mind is a beautiful gift, but it doesn’t get
to rule. My understanding doesn’t get to be a prerequisite for obedience,
belief, or living in God’s peace. I’ve learned what grace even is, what it
means to live in rest, why the gospel really is good news, and how amazing is
this life we get to live with God! I’ve learned about how worship is simply the
turning of our hearts towards God to enjoy his presence and pour our love back
on him who gives so freely – and this means worship can be in everything we do.
I’ve learned that the fruit of my relationship with the Lord isn’t the things I
strive to produce, but it’s the natural, effortless things that I walk in
because of his work in me. I’ve learned that prophecy is simply calling out the
gold in people, the things that God sees and values in them - and I’ve found I
love doing that almost more than anything.
I’ve learned about who I am: what it means to be a child
of God with all the rights of the covenant. I’ve learned the unique ways that
God made me who I am, unlike anyone else in the world. There’s nothing that
makes you feel so special than to find that God delights in the way that he made
you, down to the last detail. My love for discovery, for connecting
with people, for worship; the lion-heart that rises up in me when I’m praying
for people and fighting for them to be free; even the way that I see things and
the way I process – these are all beautiful gifts from the Lord.
More than anything else about GSS, I love how it was a
catalyst to pursue the Lord even more. So often when I found myself confronted
with things I didn’t know what to do with, I would take them to the Lord to ask
for his wisdom and receive from his Spirit. I’ve encountered the peace and love
of God on a deeper level than ever before. The sweetest times to me are the
ones where I’m simply alone with God, feeling his peace like a heavy blanket
over me to the point where I literally can’t worry anymore – it all just gets
lost in his overwhelming love. Things I thought I’d never get over and never
get past just get washed away like they never existed in the first place. It’s
completely inexplicable; it doesn’t make sense how it happens; but the Lord
works in such deep places that there are no words for it.
This past year, I’ve also been growing in leadership as I’ve
started the dance ministry at Gateway. Like GSS, it’s something I never would
have chosen for myself. Unlike a lot of people, I didn't see leadership as
something to be desired – it always looked hard and painful, and people are so
complicated! As I’ve started walking in it, though, I have begun to see the
beauty of leadership – there is something so humbling and precious about how
God will use you to transform people’s lives, in spite of your weakness or
inadequacy. I love watching those I lead grow in the things God has for them.
I have also seen
the value of leadership that is both a support and a covering as I’ve walked
with those in authority over me. I’ve realized how valuable submission is towards
people who are so for you that they will do anything to uphold and protect you.
As I’ve tentatively stepped out into this new area, I am thankful that I get to
learn from people whose leadership I admire so much.
I’ve also really appreciated my classmates from both
years. Getting to walk with them and share what God is doing in our lives was
such a privilege and so much fun! There’s nothing like inside jokes and crazy God
stories to get you through the tough times. I loved learning to lean on other
people’s strengths in areas where I’m weak, and to step into my own role in
what the Lord has called me to. They challenged me to change my perspective, to
love more, and to allow the Lord to shape my life. There’s nothing like being
surrounded by world changers when you want to be one yourself. These people are
amazing beyond words, and I am stoked to see what their lives look like twenty
years from now.
What’s next? Who really knows? I do know this next season
will be one of rest – it’s been a crazy roller coaster these last two years,
and I feel like this is only a brief pause before the next season of craziness,
so I am setting myself to enjoy it thoroughly. I plan to spend more time with
the Lord on my own as well as invest in family and friendships. I’ll still be leading
the dance ministry at Gateway and being involved in the church in whatever ways
I’m able.
Even though GSS has come to a close, I feel like this
theme of rest will continue as I learn to live in peace rather than worry. I
also have so much to learn about leadership and honestly, I’m a little
terrified to see where God will take me in this area. It’s a whole new place
for me of learning to trust God not only with my own heart but with the hearts
of those I lead, believing that in spite of my weaknesses he will remain
faithful both to those people and to me.
I’m so glad God dragged me into GSS, and I’m so glad that
this journey is going to launch me into more that he has for me. His dreams for
me are way bigger than my own, and as terrifying as that thought is, it’s also
super exciting! The crazy thing is that all he wants from me in this is a heartfelt Yes, however tentative, to whatever he sets before me. He does everything
else!
On that note, what is God currently asking you to say
Yes to? It’s never too late to respond!
